…love.well…

i havent written in some time –  ive missed it.  its been quite a journey as of late.  if im not careful, i will have missed that too.  almost two years ago I had the word selah permanently stamped in my own handwriting on my left wrist.  as a charge. a reminder. a landmark. words hold  oceans of meaning for me as they do for most, im sure. mailed letters. poetry. songs. puns. scripture. quotes. history. just to name a few.  the Lord knows this and He uses them in mighty ways in our relationship.  selah was one he expounded on to a radiant degree in my life, specifically over a period of about 4 months.  if you arent familiar with it, it is a word King David often placed at the end of his Psalms.  it is unknown what it means exactly or how it translates to English, but the closest gander is that it is a musical term stressing the importance of the preceding passage, calling to pause and listen or stop and reflect.   selah is not the point of this post, it is only to show that although i tell myself every second of every day to weave the moments, the breaths, the hearts that have brought me thus far into the current ones, i still become so caught up in the here and now that i forget the poetry, i forget the journey.

 love. loving well, however, is the point of this post.

i recently had a beautiful conversation with a beautiful friend who’s mother had just passed.  in it, i was forced to pause.  i was forced to reflect. selah was forced through my veins and into circulation.  it had been teetering for a while.  for a stent, i have been tired of remembering what loss felt like, tired of  guestimating when it would come again. ive been really tired.  the mercy, grace and wisdom He reveals when we are so tired is telling, because its obvious it didnt come from me.  there are many aspects of love and why it is so valuable to all parties involved – and many beautiful aspects of life that call for celebration, which is why this has been difficult for me in the past:

“It is better to go to the house of mourning, than to the house of feasting: for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to his heart.”  – Ecc 7:2

you most likely see holes. there can be a selfish aspect of mourning.  mourning from guilt, mourning from regret, mourning from personal fulfillment and satisfaction being lost. that is not the “house of mourning” I am addressing and not the one written of in scripture. I wondered why He would want me to suffer, why he wouldnt want me to feast.  i failed to selah. i failed to reflect on what i knew of His character,  what i had personally experienced of His character.  the more i find myself in the “house of mourning,” the more i find myself in grief over legitimate loss, the more the signs read that I have loved well and the more depth and richness will continue to grow from the experience.  not simply because I am in mourning over things causing pain to me, but I am now also in the position to truly experience mourning over things causing others pain, causing Him pain.  the network grows. we are mortal, the world is broken. the more i love, the more i give, the more im open to experiencing this fragility – more is lost, more is broken, more is in turmoil – more is provided, more is poetic.  this can be traded, sure.  life can be lived shallowly in full party mode shoving relationship, depth and sacrifice to the far corners or mulching them up in a ravenous consumption and expulsion.  poetry can be avoided. But few things present themselves as more miserable than a house of mourning built for one.

ive come to such a comforting and addicting peace that in lives lived well, in lives of loving well – we should look to often finding ourselves in the house of mourning. a beautiful, comforting, rich, peaceful and yes even life giving house of mourning.  Not to request or seek out tragedy, but to be alive and active among a broken and mortal world.

ihopetoloveyou.

nattie

~ by iseethemoon on February 24, 2009.