…one.fine.morning…
im lying in the dark with a sore throat and a stuffy nose. ive been to two funerals in 5 days, heard of one missing father of two off the fishing docks on the gulf and a suicide attempt gone ICU. my baby niece will never know her father and ive spent one too many hours locking gazes with bloodshot eyes begging for the cravings simply to cease. i wrestle for an exception in the cosmos for those i love. for myself. here. now. today. to make redemption happen before my eyes for this flesh so i dont have to feel the deterioration encasing my soul and crumbling under my feet. in a moment of fatigue and seeming defeat, i cried out “Its not supposed to be this way.” He whispered, ” I know.” i was, without realizing it, aching for heaven. i was aching for the day of Christ’s return. how often do i a pout and curse because i dont see it? because i’m not seeing this fallen world, this broken body through redeemed eyes? i dont realize that my condition, because strong ulterior motives, are inevitable. i want it all now. i want him to make us whole and comfortable, now. i want to be restored and immortal – now. we want the world to not be subject to pain, deterioration, perversion or death . . . . now….so does He. i accuse my God and creator of not being relational, because he obiously doesnt identify with my pain. obviously, or he would fix it. I ball my fists, shaking bulging veins toward the sky He supposedly spoke into being, screaming that He must not know my desire. must not care.
i’d dare say the outcome of that desire has been skewed.
didnt the Apostle Paul himself feel what i feel? didnt Jesus feel the decomposing weight of gravity? feel that life hurt? didnt Paul say in 2 Cor 5:4-7
4For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. 5Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come. 6Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. 7 We live by faith, not by sight. 8We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.
the difference seems, to me, to be the constructive outcome. Paul saw miracles, felt miracles, but did not live for them. he felt them as a blessing – a respite and beautiful glimpse of what would eventually be afforded him as a side note, and only as a side note of being reunited with his creator. he wanted them as an encounter with the living God, not as check marks on his laundry list of ailments. he knew God knew. he understood that God’s provision was in Christ’s death. That there were still so many who hadn’t heard. when im faced with the ugly reality of living in a fallen world, i couldnt often care less that He’s allowing “more time”, that one day he will be glorified in redemption – i just want to feel the outcome of that redemption, and honestly im pissed if i dont. i feel ive been cheated if i dont. of course God wants us to experience relief, of course he wants to heal us, and he has – through the crucifiction. the times Paul did pray for the Lord to move was because his desire to be with the Lord was so strong – he ached to be near to him. the topic of miracles, deliverance and healing is so difficult. it is one that brings division and distress to so many – including myself. a truth the Lord revealed to me early last year was that we live in a fallen world. sound simple enough? sound like something you already know? have already come to terms with? then why are we angry when our loved ones die? why do we pout when year after year we struggle with the same struggles – fight the same fights? why aren’t we delivered how and when we ask to be? because you, me, the grass, the ozone, the flowers – this world – is dying. there is a natural progression to “life.” a natural slippery slope, painful progression and ultimate termination to “life.” i have come to believe ive had it backwards. for the majority of my life i have believed i should expect to be healed. expect to be provided for. expect to be reconciled – the exciting part is that, yes, Christ died – so that we could cry out with joyful hope and anticipation in the day that we will no longer be subject to the elements, for the day that we and creation will be redeemed. yes – that day is coming, be joyful in the knowledge that one fine morning – this life WILL be over, but until then – we have the hights lows, ups downs, smiles and frowns that go with this life. learn from it, seize it with urgency. see that there may just be something much more valuable than “healing” to be gained. the present beauty is in the physical glimpses of that eventual full relief. in the exceptions when God, for some unknown reason in his wisdom, knowledge and perfect will, works against the natural progression. when he pauses the elements and all logic to work out of the ordinary to change the course of the deterioration by intervening. THOSE are the beautiful, rare gifts. its natural to mourn over the fall of this world – what’s unnatural, not of this world, is to take that mourning and turn it into a hope, craving and anticipation – not of this world is what we are called to be. i will not live forever in this body. neither will you, actually.
~maranatha, Lord~
“the present beauty is in the physical glimpses of that eventual full relief”
Its seems to me the worst, yet most convenient responses to death are fear and anger.
Strangely i don’t have to experience loss to know its coming for me. The hardest part is the waiting for it and not fearing it, taking those beautiful moments in every moment and not fearing the “to come.” Ultimately the last of what we know as “future” will be with our King, so fortunately.
“for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake.” Philippians 1:27-29
oh and please keep writing…it’s refreshing to read.
The love we have for our children is a characteristic He created us with. In the genes, you know. Every good and perfect gift. And, like any loving father, God wants to bless His kids. But blessing, healing, deliverance (fill in the blank of what I think I’m entitled to) are not His purpose . . . His purpose is to redeem mankind. And if I can line up with whatever He allows in my life, realizing it has passed through His loving hands first, He can use it to touch someone else for eternal purposes. I’ve found that when I do, I am blessed in the process. Sounds simple. Sometimes blessings hurt at first. Count ‘em. “see what God has done”, and is doing . . .
Keep writing Slim. It blesses me.
ahhh….and don’t you love it! (the book I mean)