…nattie.trap…

earlier this month I spent a few days backpacking in arkansas with God, charles (my lab) and myself.  the past couple months had been quite a blur – a lovely one don’t get me wrong – but a blur none the less. the plan was to corner God and get some solutions, some alterations, some “provision.”  4 days, 30 miles, mountains, backpack, journal, bible, genie lamp = perfect God trap.  on the drive, however, the kaleidoscope face of celebrations, travel, tears, country mornings, deaths, relationships and new beginnings began to birth the solid black times new roman font  ”I EXIST TODAY, THE WAY I AM, BECAUSE ….” among a few other thought provoking statements that ill spare you.  the realization began to ooze in that i was fine and excited about the company of God and charles on this outing. . . it was the myself part i was becoming uneasy with.  4 days, 30 miles, mountains, backpack, journal, bible . . . perfect nattie trap. purely, individually – me .  and not just purely, individually me; but purely, individually me whom was (being informed quite unsubtly) about to be put under a microscope. great. MAGNIFIED purely, individually me. gross. i didnt wanna be under a microscope.  under a microscope i’m not a concept anymore.  i have a framework, i have weight.  I have waste, scars and parts with functions and names all working together to do an intentional job.  under a microscope im not vague anymore….im tangible and im accountable. in the bustle i can make myself believe i exist simply to water my garden, buy bread so the baker can pay rent, brew the perfect pot of tea (thanks mel), get an education, analyze a good indy flick or dance a sweaty mess under a full moon.  i can convince myself i exist to write my best friends beautiful letters, have theological conversation over a pint, lob a frisbee across rural wildflower fields, read c.s. lewis and tennyson or pitch a tent while the crickets and bullfrogs serenade me.  i can weave in and out of this tapestry an elegantly wafting pattern of social justice, environmentalism, healthcare, friendship and religion just for pizazz.  ill be quick to say i believe in the power of love, in one true God, salvation through Jesus Christ soley and the beauty of giving until you really feel it – then giving more.  i believe all of these things are strategic, lovely and (by no mistake) make up who i am.  i believe its important to be flexible in allowing my “role” in this life to evolve, change shape, to grow while using the tools ive been given.  i believe right now i’m blessed and honored to live a life that challenges, facilitates and sometimes even solicits most of these things.   however….

do all of these things actually complete the statement, “I EXIST TODAY, THE WAY I AM, BECAUSE …”?  does the creator command one more breath after one more breath after one more breath so REI doesn’t go out of business?  so that pesky bud lite can is picked up off the ground and put into the proper recycling receptacle?  so people discover the beauty that is microbrewing and stop drinking effing bud lite in the first place?  EVEN so that the man on the corner gets one more meal and a smile?  no.  ”I EXIST TODAY, THE WAY I AM, BECAUSE THERE ARE STILL THOSE WHO HAVE NOT HEARD THE GOSPEL OF SALVATION THROUGH JESUS CHRIST.”  its the “THE WAY I AM” part where our artistic, adventurous and poetic creator displays his creativity and unmatched capability. don’t downplay it. don’t belittle it. don’t starve it …. don’t cling to it, don’t control it, don’t idolize it.  foster it, be a steward of it …. within the framework of that “BECAUSE”.

yes. admittedly, as humans, we want to lose the framework, neglect certain parts and remain a tangled (yet beautifully adorned mind you) mass of self-destructive potential with a hauntingly innate sense of brokenness.  and He longs for us.  as a christian, its the hope in this redemptive desire, the acknowledged price on my life, the urgency in the hourglass and the intimacy with my creator that directs my steps.

if you know your “BECAUSE”, claim it.  if you dont – i pray you find it.

 

iloveyou,

nattie

~ by iseethemoon on June 17, 2009.